Monday, February 23, 2009

Nations of Failure
just go here

I listened to this whole fucking record for you, and you better fucking appreciate it, because this fucking music makes me want to punch huge fucking holes in my fucking walls. Foreshadow, aka Holly's Worst Nightmare, "blend the core genres of death metal, black metal, old-school thrash metal and a minute level of metal core to create their own unique sound, delivering lyrical and melodic genius to the world and foretelling an upturn of this generation's appreciation of raw music and solid performances." That quote was from the liner notes; I doubt I would go so far as to describe the shit coming out of my headphones as either "unique" or "genius," and, as far as I am concerned, death, black, old-school thrash, and metal core all sound exactly like skullbones crunching under crowbars. And not in a good way. I fucking hated this fucking record. Even the last song, which is some sort of pussy instrumental entitled End of Innocence that ends with an apocalyptic bomb sound effect. Ooh, heavy...

Postscript the first: In order to be fair to this record, I attempted to employ the assistance of a card-carrying Church of Satan metal-head friend of mine, but we couldn't manage to get together. I'm sure he could have provided a far more educated review of this record than I have. But ah well.

Postscript the second: The photo I have provided for you is not the cover of the record. I couldn't fucking find a fucking picture of the fucking cover of the fucking record. I also couldn't find a fucking link to a real record label and so navigated you over to the band's myspace page.

Postscript the third: Nobody in the band can spell. I figure if you are going to rant against fascism, you probably shouldn't spell it "fasicism." Also, I'm pretty sure "dillema" isn't a word. Ooh, and how about this clever wordplay: one song is called "TRANCEformation Of America." Brilliant, that. They probably ejaculated all over each other after coming up with that one.

Postscript the fourth: The band hails from Florida. I fucking hate Florida.
Wacken Records

I don't know about you, but I think it's about time that pagan celtic death metal got its due. Okay, no, I don't. Not that I have anything against the pagan celtic death metal scene. Matter of fact, I didn't even know there was a pagan celtic death metal scene until a couple of days ago. The things one learns...Anyway, I know fuck all about pagan celtic death metal, but about these few things am I absolutely certain:
1. SuidAkrA are from Germany.
2. They like to capitalize the As in their name.
3. This is their ninth studio album.
4. They take themselves very seriously. (This concept album tells the story of mythological Irish hero, Cuchulaiin, in nine suitably epic songs.)
5. When lead vocalist Arkadius isn't tearing the shit out of his vocal cords in that death metal way I find so aurally offensive, he has quite a nice voice.
6. I kind of like bagpipes and tin whistles.
7. I am not a pagan celtic death metal fan. But you might be. Riot on.
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